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Talking about money with your spouse
Sometimes it is hard to find the right time to talk about money with your spouse. There is always a distraction or something more important taking up our time, especially if the topic is a bit touchy and will take focus and effort to move through. We used to struggle with this very thing–the short times we had together we wanted to enjoy and have fun, not talk about the hard stuff!
One idea is to take Money Dates. We like to schedule “money dates” at least once a month in our house. It gives us uninterrupted time to look at our money, talk about our dreams and think about the future in terms of our money.
Usually people say — bring your budget, talk about bills. I say egads! Keep it future-focused and keep yourselves smiling, at least initially. If budget is a hard subject, then wait a bit and give yourself some practice at money dating first. A date is supposed to be fun, or at least uplifting and give you something to look forward to. If your budget feels too heavy, then don’t talk about it, at first anyway. You wouldn’t talk about your childhood traumas on your first date, so don’t launch into difficult conversations until you get comfortable with your money dates and feel ready for a complex discussion.
You hear a lot about how you need a retirement plan, an investment strategy. You need your money to work for you. You need estate planning and college planning. But there is a foundation underneath all those things. A personal and shared understanding of how you approach money.
Understanding where our individual attitudes around money stem from can be difficult. Then when two people get together and start talking about money, there can be collisions that seem to come from nowhere and we have no idea on how to not crash!
Money attitudes are usually undercover. We don’t talk about our money history, our attitudes and money approach easily. Because we lack the language to do so! Most of our parents never talked about money to us. So learning to uncover our money history and our approaches, takes some getting to know each other. It is also useful to use some tools to guide the discussion, especially if you and your partner get into some tricky conversations when it comes to money.
One partner may have grown up in a household was talking about debt was taboo. Lots of people grew up thinking that if they had debt then they were bad people. Not true! Another may have grown up in a household where frivolous spending was simply not allowed or frivolous spending was shamed. So your partner might feel ashamed each time they want to buy something they “don’t really need.”
Just about all of us have guilt and shame around money. The mistakes we’ve made in the past can haunt us silently, especially when we assume that everyone has the same thought process that we do. Sometimes we feel like we’ve made mistakes, but it is simply the case that sometimes we cannot control circumstances.
All of these emotions around money, it is easy to see how it can get hard. Begin with life dreams, money dreams, your money stories. Begin with what is working. Begin with your hopes and dreams. Then once you feel more comfortable and skilled at your money dates, then delve into more challenging topics. You don’t have to have a pen and paper or your computer in front of you to have a substantial money date conversation.
Some money date ideas:
How each partner approaches money often comes from how money was approached when we were children. Our earliest memories of money shape our attitude, fears and anxieties about money and sharing those can help find common ground between partners. Consider these initial questions to learn more about your partner’s money approach:
A budget can look a lot of different ways. Allow your partner to talk about how they want to spend and record it in broad strokes. A budget does not have to monitor to the penny, or it can. It does not have to include detailed accounts; it can include broader categories for some areas. You don’t even have to call it a budget. In our home, we call is our cash flow statement. How does our cash flow through household? That way we never have to have a budget conversation! For an initial budget or cash flow conversation, ask each other the following questions:
Some people like to save first, spend later. Others are the opposite. It is insightful to understand where you and your partner start.
For an initial savings conversation, consider asking each other this questions:
Click on our calendar and schedule a time for you and your partner to hang out with us for an hour. We can have tea or coffee and some goodies and talk about your money dreams and challenges.
Knowing how to talk about money with your spouse/partner gives you a valuable foundation to creating future financial plans. It takes practice.
Let us know how it goes and call us if you want a guide!
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